The Rough Start That Brought Us Together on Kilimanjaro

In the summer of 2026, I took a group to climb Mount Kilimanjaro.

Almost everyone was new to this, including three 13-year-old girls, and most of the group was nervous. They didn't know if they'd make it or how their bodies would handle the altitude. None of them had been there before, and the unknowns were loud.

Then, before we even started, things went sideways.

The Afternoon Everything Went Wrong

We were supposed to start the climb during the day. Instead, we hit permit issues and waited. We ate lunch and kept waiting. By the time we got through, we were the last group into the park, and we started in the evening.

Nobody was happy about it. It was a frustrating afternoon, and a group of already nervous people now had even more to be anxious about.

But something happened that I didn't expect. Starting at night meant less going on around us. Fewer people, less noise, less to look at. With all that gone, everyone turned toward each other. We heard monkeys in the dark while the crew set up our tents and got dinner going, and that group of strangers started to become a team.

The frustration bonded everyone in a way I couldn't have planned. I watched people pick each other up when someone was down. And that rough beginning made the rest of the climb so much easier.

I wouldn't recommend it. But it worked in our favor.

Why Rough Starts Can Bring People Together

There's actually a reason for this.

In the 1960s, psychologist Bruce Tuckman described the stages most groups go through: forming, storming, norming, and performing. The storming stage, when friction and frustration show up, doesn't mean something's wrong. It's often how a group figures out how to work together. Our storm just came early, in a parking area instead of on the mountain.

Researchers have also found that shared hardship works like social glue. In a 2014 study, people who went through uncomfortable tasks together, like holding their hands in ice water, felt more bonded and cooperated more than people who did easy versions of the same tasks. Going through something hard side by side builds a kind of connection that comfort doesn't.

 Doing the Hard Thing Together

The climb ended up being harder than anyone expected. And everybody summited.

A lot of that was because of those three 13-year-old girls. They just kept pushing through the hard parts, which left the adults no room to complain. It's tough to grumble about your legs when a 13-year-old is walking right past you.

I can't tell you how awesome it was to watch. These were people who started out wondering whether they belonged there. They made it to the top together, and a big part of the reason was how they'd learned to carry each other from that first frustrating afternoon on.

Then the Exhale

After the climb, everyone got a rest day. Then we went on safari.

That part of the trip matters just as much. You do the hard thing together, and then you exhale together. We traveled around the parks and watched the animals, and there weren't many other people where we went, so there weren't many distractions.

Researchers who study awe have found that standing in front of something vast and wild makes people feel a little smaller, in a good way. People who feel awe tend to become more generous toward others. I've seen it on every trip. Something shifts when a group watches something bigger than all of them.

Time matters too. One study estimated it takes around 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, and roughly 200 hours to become close friends. A trip like this packs a lot of those hours into a short time, with no commute, no inbox, and no one rushing off to the next thing.

Why I Host Experiences That Challenge People

People sometimes ask why I host trips that are hard. Why not just a nice retreat?

I like to watch how people show up when things get challenging. Then I like to give them space to think about how they showed up.

And there's something even more valuable underneath that. On a trip like this, you're surrounded by people who don't know you yet. Nobody has handed you a role. You're not the one who always organizes, worries, or holds it together. You get a chance to redefine who you are.

To me, that's what presence with other people looks like. Putting the phone down is part of it. The bigger part is showing up as you are, in something real, with people who are doing the same.

How to Connect Deeply With People in Your Own Life

You don't need Kilimanjaro. You need a few of the same ingredients.

Do something a little hard together. A tough hike, a big project, a new class where everyone's a beginner. Shared effort builds bonds that easy fun can't.

Turn down the noise. Choose places and times with fewer distractions, and put the phones away (link to Article 3). Research has shown that even having a phone sitting on the table can make a conversation feel less close.

Plan the exhale. After the hard thing, rest together. Share a meal, sit outside, and look at something beautiful. That's often where the real conversations happen.

Let people show up new. Mix up your groups. Spend time with people who don't know your usual role, and let yourself try on a different one.

Today is a someday. Go do something hard with people you'd like to know better.

Frequently Asked Questions

• How do you connect deeply with people?

  Spend real time together, do something challenging side by side, and cut down on distractions. Shared effort and focused attention build closeness faster than casual time alone.

• Why do shared challenges bring people closer?

  Research suggests that going through hardship together increases feelings of bonding and cooperation. When people see each other struggle and support one another, trust grows quickly.

• Why is it easier to be yourself around new people?

  People who already know you often expect you to play a familiar role. In a new group, especially in a challenging setting, you have room to show up differently and discover who you are now.

Sources

Tuckman, B. W. (1965). Developmental sequence in small groups. Psychological Bulletin.
Bastian, B., Jetten, J., & Ferris, L. J. (2014). Pain as social glue: Shared pain increases cooperation. Psychological Science.
Piff, P. K., et al. (2015). Awe, the small self, and prosocial behavior. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
Przybylski, A. K., & Weinstein, N. (2013). Can you connect with me now? How the presence of mobile communication technology influences face-to-face conversation quality. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.